Bachelor in Paradise
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Awwww, hell, yeah!
I wept with joy.
I wept for everything I didnt know I wanted and didnt know I could have.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
For Lace falling overagain,I say,Thank you for these gifts.
Dear God, free this woman from this poop-based reputation and pain.
Im thankful for all thatBachelor in Paradisegives us.
Lets get to it.
The sun is shining, the crabs are skittering, and love is in the air.
Seriously, this has gone on long enough … Who is Hailey?
Was she a Cheetah Girl at some point and Im not aware?
Then she sticks her tongue out.
Shes wacky, shes goofy, shes incredibly hot by any and all beauty standards.
I hope she finds someone who can handle her!
;-P She takes all the guys aside to see whats happening on the beach.
Johnny takes abig swingwhen it comes to saying her name and guesses Caroline.
I would like one man on this beach to get a womans name right.
He also tells her shes kind of a southern girl and shes perfect.
Victoria, stop messing around and choose this man.
Hes got it all figured out, and Im sure he can handle you.
But shes got her sights set on Justin, and she asks him on the date.
Thus begins Genevieves daylong depressive spiral.
For these recaps, I have a go at hit around 2,000 words.
Is that completely over the limit of what Im supposed to write?
But I would need approximately 7,000 words to accurately capture every part of Genevieves meltdown.
This woman spends an entire 18-hour day descending into emotional hell.
She is going throughtoo muchfor the first full day of Paradise.
Maam, we all just arrived.
No one knows Laces name yet.
You shouldnt be having these big feelings so early.
So that whole thing is happening.
Michael is a father.
Michael says he tends to get scared in a relationship when things start to get real.
Michael says Sierra understands that old throw in of love that is forever.Sir.hey.
You dont like them because they are old souls.
She wanders down the beach to find everyone watching Shenae and Logan frolic in the water.
Hailey does pull Logan aside and just cant manage to get out a complete sentence about how shes feeling.
Hey, ladies, all of you these men aint shit.
I want to be pursued …Not gonna happen!
You casually chatted it up at the bar for ten minutes?
If the guys have the roses, youre going to have to work twice as hard as usual.
Quit crying and plant your flag in their asses, ladies.
Shenae gets the date card, seemingly just to make Hailey feel worse, and she asks Logan.
If these two get engaged, its over.
Shut the beach down.
She tearfully asks, Who else is going to break my heart?
…You met him yesterday.
Then theres this whole Salley business.
Lace finds a mysterious suitcase in one of the womens bedrooms.
It contains human-hair bundles, a waffle iron, and a vibrator.
This is a womans suitcase packed by a group of men in a boardroom.
Its less suitcase and more metaphor.
They said Stagecoach everyone finish the drink youre currently having!
The women head down to the bar to ask Wells whats going on.
When did we start giving Wells a production budget?
What the fuck is happening?
Apparently, Salley is coming to Paradise but not today.
He says, Checked out?
Genevieve, this hasgotto be the first time this man has asked you to be honest.
This is playing out like a scene fromMarriage Storyand they dont even know each others last names.
Genevieve says this is the worst birthday.
Then theres whatever the hell Romeo is doing.
The entire time Brittany is talking to Romeo, shes making Get me out of here eyes.
Im seeing the sides and corners of those eyeballs.
If she was at the club, any woman within 50 feet would come to her rescue.
Brittany also keeps bringing up Jill and asking, Whats your relationship with Jill?
We havent had a rose ceremony yet!
This is a regular day!
Brittany says she would rather get hit by a bus than go out with Romeo.
Romeo, you gotta leave, my guy.
She says she was bamboozled!
Weve got to get to rose-ceremony night.
Romeo just needs to find someone to give his rose to.
Cmon, Casey, give us the bare minimum of good-guy behavior!
Jill says shes so hurt, and Romeo says, I didnt choose to hurt you.
You tried to kiss Brittany while you were on girlfriend probation!
She says the door is closed.
Logan watching from afar says he kinda feels bad for Romeo.
Shut up, Logan.
Romeo is now running around with a free rose to give, and no one wants to accept it.
He tries to flirt with Hailey before crumpling into tears at the cocktail table.
Kira has better options, and she cant trust him.
Casey says that Romeo has a scarlet letter.
Cmon, Casey, give us a literary reference!
No rose ceremony yet.
See you tomorrow!!
!
