Bachelor in Paradise
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But yall, when Jesse welcomed everyone to ourthirdrose ceremony, I did a full spit take.
Im typing this with Diet Coke on my screen.
This franchise fucks with our perception of time more than that one level ofSuper Mario Bros. Wonder.
At this rate, well be wrapping upBachelor in Paradisein 2024.
(Segues are my passion.)
If you truly did nothing wrong, why are you so worried?
The way Aaron talks about his ex trying to ruin his life is so dramatic and gross.
Dude, youre on a reality show about messy dating, not running for president.
(Not that a bad dating history would disqualify him #political.)
Charity tells Eliza what happened, and she basically describes it as a big weird nothingburger.
She encourages Eliza to talk to Aaron if its bothering her but that shes rooting for them.
Im sorry, did we just hear a smart argument for healthy communication?
Which show am I watching??
Every straight-A good girl has a train-wreck friend who stresses her out and forces her to loosen up.
Its a law of nature.
(I love my messy besties, and they exhaust me so.)
With the Aaron situation tentatively resolved, were onto the KatOliviaJohn Henry love triangle.
Well, Sam calls it a love triangle.
Nothing against chicken nuggets theyre great!
but a Chicken-Nugget Girlie is a specific jot down of chaos.
I think I love this bitch.
I could not figure out what this drink is, but it looks exactly like root beer.
If thats the case, Eliza just shot up in my estimation as a fellow morning-soda girlie.
But its probably just a weird coffee.
John Henry says hes unsure of what hes going to do.
Yeah, we know, dummy.
Eliza brings her Little Mermaid impression back out and just kind of blinks at him.
Unlike seemingly everyone on the beach, I dont think this relationship will go the distance.
On to another couple in which the man is way more invested than the woman is!
Blake tells Jess shes the only one hes thinking about, securing her a rose.
That leaves Genevie in trouble.
Wells encourages her to make a plan, which is just Smooch Tanner.
Unfortunately for Genevie, Rachel has the same plan.
Its why were here!
But I just find itinterestingthat Kat keeps being accused of homie-hopping.
(Just kidding this man getsnothing.)
Im sorry, itsmidnight???
These nights are loooooong.
I would feel bad for these people if this wasnt just how they live their lives.
Instead, Im just kind of in awe.
John Henry heads up to the hot tub where, shocker, Kat is waiting in a bikini.
This man is not smart, and he deserves the inevitable implosion that this relationship will end in.
The argument is honestly a letdown because Kat is so slippery she cant be reasoned with or yelled at.
(Can you tell Ive been rewatchingThe Sopranos?)
What is it they say about an unstoppable force and an immovable object?
But first, Jesse informs us that Sam has finally pooped.
Im sorry, but I stopped caring about this story line the minute Sam left.
You are erased from my brain as soon as you step off the beach.
Based on how haphazard this edit is, I dont think production had any idea this was happening.
We see Jesse informing a producer that shes leaving, and she just kind of disappears.
Of course Brayden wouldnt notice if Becca were pulling back.
Brayden is only able to perceive Brayden.
Tanner asks Brayden whom hed give his rose to and I had a fullMinority Reportprecog vision.
John Henrys going to give his rose to Kat, and Brayden will save Olivia.
Thats exactly what happens and its incredible.
Olivia has been able to stick around, fueled by pure spite.
Yet she manages to keep her sense of humor!
When Brayden hands her the rose, she quips, Wanna make out later?
Tanner gives his rose to Rachel, which means Davia and Genevie go home.
The next morning, John Henry pulls Olivia aside to apologize for how he handled things.
Olivia is not having it and says, So you wanted to talk to clear your conscience.
Yes, thats exactly it, and its what all of these repetitive conversations are about.
Babe, hes just kind of dumb.
While Olivia pouts about John Henry, though, we hear the claxon call of a new dude.
Michael from Charitys season is here!
I dont remember this guys deal, but he sure is a cutie pie.
He pulls out a date card and asks Olivia to talk first.
I amso curiousabout how producers prime the new people.
What did they tell him about the situation on the beach?
Who will Michael choose?
