Bachelor In Paradise
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OMG, you guys!
Dr. Kelly gets his own paradise intro this week!
Its relatable, its silly, its high stakes.
Im having so much fun.
Quick question, though: Why is everyone up before sunrise?
Are they just used to getting up early to hit the gym?
Do they crash out early because of the day drinking?
The life of aHot Personis untenable.
Dr. Kelly for Bachelor!
(I know hes wearing a wedding ring, but Ive decided to ignore it.)
Sam gathers the group to announce that shes leaving paradise, and everyone feels bad for Aaron.
This is part of why this storyline is so great.
It outlines the ways in which this TV show is nothing like dating in real life.
Obviously, we all know that, but the show tries as much as possible to mask that truth.
Here, we see the cracks.
Why doesnt Aaron just go with Sam?
Or make a plan to see her afterward?
Aaron S. needed this redemption arc, but he will fuck it up so quickly its almost admirable.
But before we get to that, there are so many love triangles to sort out.
Peter and Olivia are flirting … kind of.
They tell us in confessionals that the romantic connection is there, but I dont see it.
These two bonded out of spite, which is not the most stable foundation to build a relationship.
It worked for Tyrion and Sansa, which famously worked out fine for everyone involved!
They should have worked out the terms of that alliance, though, because here comes John Henry.
Jesse teases him for being nervous because hes an underwater welder and should be made of sterner stuff.
Uh-oh, Peters in trouble.
It works, and they make out in the pool.
She also does the right thing and talks to Aaron before accepting.
Everyone is learning from each others mistakes, but this is the problem with late-stage reality TV.
Everyone is too aware of the edit.
She will go on the date with John B. because she wants to, and thats why were here.
Im not saying that Eliza doesnt care about Aaron or doesnt genuinely want to avoid hurting his feelings.
But thats the point ofParadise!
Peoples feelings are going to get hurt, thats why were watching.
It gets boring when everyone is too polite.
Despite Eliza talking to him first, Aaron is still very much upset.
(Okay, a fellowRunaway Bridestan!)
Olivia had a great time but wants to keep her options open.
NOW THIS IS HOW YOU PLAY IT.
Olivia jokes about how she was so pathetic a week ago!
but now shes got two options.
I think Olivia is becoming my Paradise MVP.
Im as surprised as anyone.
Okay, heres where things get weird.
First, Sean reminds us that hes still into Jess and asks, What would Taylor Swift do?
I take back what I said last week; this man deserves the bullying hes getting from the editors.
Jess lets him down gently, telling him that she loves him … as a friend.
Unsurprisingly, Brayden gives her the least generous interpretation of the scenario that is still more or less truthful.
Rachel is livid at this and goes to confront Sean.
you’re able to tell how mad she is because her extensions are sticking out.
She reiterates what Brayden said, meaning its Seans turn to confront Brayden.
Jesse is here to convey some vital info: Sam has not pooped yet.
And with that, Wells calls the group over to read from the Box of Truth.
The first few notes are silly goofs.
(Only John raises his hand.)
He tells Wells that these questions are surface level and smashes the box on the ground.
Its unclear what he was trying to accomplish here.
I think this guy is just spiraling, and its a bad look!
The notes mostly concern Kat, saying that she played Brayden and Tanner should watch out for her.
This is the vocabulary men who hate women use to justify their misogyny.
But the way everyone is talking about her is not sitting well with me.
Im tired of defending both of them!
There are also at least two notes saying Brayden and Rachel should make out.
I did laugh out loud when Brayden said, So Rachel, can I pull you?
and shes like, Yeah!
They do, in fact, make out.
This poor girl should have stayed home.
Yet again, I will reiterate that former Bachelorettes shouldnt come to Paradise this is for her sake!
Theres so much potential to be embarrassed!
An angelic chorus swells, and a womans legs are seen coming down the stairs.
