American Horror Story
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The Hollywood awards circuit can be infamously taxing on womens minds and bodies.
They have to want that little gold man enough to seem grateful, but wanting ittoo muchis a turnoff.
Awards arent won; theyre gestated.
And to get and stay pregnant?
Annas told she needs to relax and take care of herself.
She needs to limit her stress and late nights.
She needs to put her feet into stirrups and say yes to injections.
She needs to use progesterone suppositories and do prenatal yoga.
Exercise, but moderately.
Eat well, but nottoo much.
At least thats what the police think, and maybe Dex does as well.
When episode two opens, the cops are at the Alcott-Harding residence to investigate last weeks midnight intruder.
Is there a chance someone tore the photo of Annas embryo scan in half as a fun prank?
One officer would like to know.
Or maybe Annas suffering from IVF-induced psychosis brought on by those suppositories?
Still, for the first half of the episode at least, Annas luck improves.
But Academy Awards dont happen spontaneously, Siobhan warns her.
They happen because good little starlets show their appreciation on Instagram and because PR hacks trade sexual favors.
From now on, Siobhan tells Anna, shes not an actor but an athlete.
Her fuel is unlabeled B12, which Siobhan just happens to have on hand.
I like her placid stare, her little nods when Anna does exactly as told.
True, yes, Siobhan-Kims face doesnt really move, but theres something alluring about that too.
I guess what Im trying to say is, occasionally, stunt casting really works.
Siobhan just stares at Anna a little vacantly, daring her to believe the bullshit shes spewing.
Except its not tomato soup anymore; its a saucepan of bubbling porridge.
And these arent the first peculiar little gaps in Annas perceptions, her memory, or even her consciousness.
So Anna takes the test, which looks nothing like an actual pregnancy test.
When its ready, it emits an electronic ping and lights up with a lime-green plus sign.Hooray!
Yet Im happy for these newlyweds!
Theyre having a baby!
Lets totally ignore the fact that Dex immediately runs to take a phone call from his dead wifes doppelganger!
Every stomach cramp is a stressor.
As bad as the morning sickness may be, any lapse in it is a stressor.
Its a little thing, really.
An omen of bad luck.
Then Anna vomits black tar onto the podium and passes out.
Just Annas fractured memory and our own disbelief at the depths of her greedy narcissism.
For the medias benefit, the whole fainting episode is blamed on that trusty Hollywood malady:dehydration.
Its low-key kind of brilliant.
For that matter, Siobhan also seems to be right that theres no such thing as bad press.
(Im unpersuaded.)
Until the last few minutes, this episode was starting to drag for me.
Why is no one mentioning that she has been mid-breakout for almost three months?
She cakes on the concealer at the Gothams, but theres no hiding that honker.
Shouldnt Siobhan have a dermatologist on speed dial for just such an emergency?
Get that woman some witch hazel.
If anything is wrong, your body will tell you, Annas yogi reminds her in the Hamptons.
But hasnt her face been screaming at her for the entirety of the first trimester?
Eventually, though, a body can get too loud to ignore.
As Kamal drives her home from yoga, Anna notices blood has seeped through her leggings.
Most will go on to have healthy babies.
But I also know what a lot of blood looks like.
Ivy is full-on grimacing as she forces the wand.
But theres nothing for a doctor to do.
When she wakes up, shes in bed and the dream is over.
Anna knows instinctively whats happened.
Dex is crying by her side.
It was a boy, the doctor tells them.
And now that dreams over too.
