American Horror Story
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Hear ye, hear ye.
I declare the 12th season ofAmerican Horror Storyto have finally ARRIVED.
After three weeks of is-she-or-isnt-she pregnancy drama, things are suddenly and preposterously fucked up.
An Oscar darling playing stepmom to some Hamptons roadkill she found?
An evil origin story that takes us back to the reign of Bloody Mary?
I shall gladly go in time whereverDelicatetakes me.
The year is 1555, and the place is Hampton Court Palace.
No, not an infant, Mary corrects.
Long story short, Mary agreed to birth a royal baby Satan in exchange for a fruitful reign.
Now, Satans coven with the feathered horns is on the scene to collect his spawn.
Why not introduce a historical fantasy subplot a third of the way through the season?
Rules are there are no rules.
Dex invites her to join him for bed, but first she has one more thing to do.
Mary Tudor was rumored to have suffered from a false pregnancy triggered by her extreme desire for children.
I must admit, I was not convinced that the Ashleys (Ashleighs?)
hired by Siobahn who, by the by, is sleeping with Hamish could get it done.
First, the writing is PERFECT.
Im an everyday woman who vomits, menstrates, orgasms, and defecates.
Ive been longing to see some clips fromThe AuteuronAHS, but this is so much better.
The video gets 6 million views basically overnight.
Whats more, it serves as Anna and Dexs incredibly public pregnancy reveal.
Thats right: Anna isstillpregnant.
Lo and behold, Hill finds a heartbeat.
Somehow, its all true.
Annadidhave a miscarriage, and itwasterrible.
Shes also pregnant now, probably a lil Satan step-sibling for raccoon.
Which brings us to baby daddy.
Who is Dex and what does this thin-lipped man know?
This week we also meet baby granny Dexs mother, Virginia, who comes to visit unannounced.
Virginia, played by Debra Monk, is kind of a dick.
She calls her daughter-in-law cold and clandestine.
But really Virginia has descended upon the city with her own agenda.
Not just any abuse, she confesses to Dex over lunch.
Virginia was drugged and abused by her husband!
Dex refuses to believe it, he says, but how can we possibly believe him?
Its justwaytoo close a coincidence for Dex not to have picked up the diabolical baton, right?
Pure evil feels patrilineal to me.
Why would Nurse Ivy still be stalking her in the parking garage at Dr Hills office?
You cant trust any of them, reads the note that arrives in a bouquet of blood-red roses.
While Annas been in the Hamptons, her apartment has been outfitted with a security system.
But is it to protect Anna or to surveil her until she gives birth?
directly from the tub, with a side of dill pickles.Its my body.
Ill snack if I need to.
I am an everyday woman who eats the whole pint.
Seemingly sated, she heads back to the basement, enticed by the same whispered chanting shes heard before.
But this time, when she tries to enter the secret door, its locked.
Anna accidentally knocks herself unconscious trying to wrest it open.
When she wakes up, its time for the Golden Globe noms to be announced.
Her Q-score fully restored by her personal viral feminist anthem, Annas name is called among the other hopefuls.
Anna pets his face and picks him up.
